I got my grades back! Straight A's :D
In other news, my b/f and I broke up back before Thanksgiving. I don't think anyone was really surprised by this. We're still friends, which is kinda cool.

I've been losing weight super slowly. I'm currently stuck around 205. Ohhh how I wanted to see the 190s by Christmas, but maybe by my birthday in January. :)

So, that's 18 lbs lost, yay!

I also just did my measurements to try to make myself feel better.

Anyway, I took my measurements this morning to see where I was. Here we go:

	Starting	Last	Current	Lost
Neck	14	13.5	13	-1.0
Bicep	13.5	13.5	13	-0.5
Forearm	10.5	10.5	10	-0.5
Chest	48	47	45	-3.0
Waist	42	40	39	-3.0
Hips	49	48	47	-1.0
Thigh	28.5	27.5	27	-1.5
Calf	18	17.5	17	-1.0
Total:	--	--	--	-11.5"

Holy hell I have no time anymore...

School has eaten up any spare time I have.

I'm losing weight still, I'm down 12 lbs now, yay! I just eat when I'm hungry, stop eating when I'm not, and I walk a LOT.

There's a guy in my classes that I've been hanging out with a lot and I think he's interested in me. Which kinda sucks since he's attractive and intelligent but I have a boyfriend. :P I went to see said boyfriend last weekend and things were just.. bleah. He made comments like "maybe we're just really good friends who aren't meant to be together in this way" and shit like that, but then said "well we shouldn't make any rash decisions." What pisses me off is that he's been saying "I'm just trying to figure out where I'm going with my life." He's been saying that for 2.5 years!! I think at this point if he was interested in me being a major part of his life, he'd have freaking figured it out by now.

So yah. I cried a lot that weekend. And in the end I was just like "okay that was all confusing, I'm going to assume things are going okay until you tell me otherwise" and he said that was a good idea. *sigh* So now I'm kinda torn. And he HAS been better this last week. So.. I guess I'll give him a shot. Even if things don't work out I wouldn't want to jump into something else for a LONG while. So I somehow have to figure out how to give this other grad student the idea that I'm not interested but it's not because I'm not interested in HIM. Yay. drama.

omg, another update. That's right.

I was cleaning off my digital camera and I found some pics I took of my cat at my old place. She's asleep on my monitor right now. She's a cutie :D

( kita )

Whee, it's 1:30a and I've been staring at my program for the last 5 hours and I have no idea why it doesn't work. *sigh*

Other than the insane amounts of work, school is treating me pretty well. I have a part time job so I'll hopefully be less broke soon.

Because of the way the campus is situated (on a hill and very spread out) and the fact that I eat for myself instead of having to feed my boyfriend as well, I've started losing weight again. I've also been doing situps and pushups every other day to try to buff up my arms and abs. The walking does more than enough for my legs.

I guess I should head to bed and bang my head against this program more in the morning. :/ Where DOES the time go? I didn't get nearly as much done this weekend as I wanted to. Waaaah!

Sorry I disappeared there for a while. The move has been rougher than expected. I know people that live here, and I'm returning to a school I went to, but everything is vastly different than when I lived here 10 years ago (who woulda thought....) and it's making me hide away from everything. :/

School starts tomorrow and I have to be up very early, but I just wanted to post to say I'm still alive, and the move went smoothly, now I just need to get my feet back under me and quit being scared. ;)

So the moving will be happening on Sunday. I've been sorting through a bunch of my stuff and have been paring down a LOT which is nice.

I'd like to move as little as possible and store/give away the rest. I have TOO much stuff and it just ends up cluttering my room and driving me crazy. If I don't have a place for it, it's getting stored, and that's that.

I don't deserve my life sometimes. I really don't.

I've been freaking out about finances for school and I just got this message from one of the professors I've been working with.. Names blotted out to protect the innocent.


Hi Anne,

*professor cool* and I are still working on getting you funding for Fall
Quarter. You will definitely be receiving funding, and most likely
from *professor cool*. I think he''ll want you to do a little bit of Web
design work, as well as help out with the gaming major development.

Please do not take out any loans, as your stipend should cover
tuition & fees, as well as provide you with money to live off of (GSR
III, at 49.99% as I recall).

- *professor rad*


In totally other news, I went to one of those sorting communities and got sorted into Ravenclaw. Woot!

I was at work last week, putting in new computers for the child development offices nearby. I was talking about how I could never get a flat-panel monitor because my cat wouldn't have anywhere to sleep when one of the women at the office looked at me kinda strange and said "You don't have kids, do you."

errr... well... no..??

I moved on to the other office, and somehow my cat came up in conversation again. And a DIFFERENT woman said "You don't have any children, do you."

WTH??? I made sure I wasn't wearing a shirt that said Crazy Cat Lady, and I wasn't. But maybe I should be??


Still sick. Sick of being sick. I move in two weeks and I'm stressing out big time. Gonna suck living 3 hours away from my boyfriend. :( Oof. Ah well, que sera, sera.

(Notice the lack of talk about dieting and weighing. I'm focusing on getting better. Yep, that's it.)

I think I have bronchitis again. :( When I got back from my trip, I had a really bad fever/body aches... And now it's back to coughing and hacking/weird nasality and other unpleasantness. Not so happy about all this. :(

So that's where I disappeared to. I'm back at work today, because I can't afford to take more sick days, but I'm still "productively" coughing (I absolutely love that term, by the way. Best euphemism ever.)

Oh! In happy news, my Paul McKenna book FINALLY came. I'm glad I had a chance to read it, I've been listening to the CD and now some of the stuff on it makes even more sense. lol And it helped me get refocused and I've been eating slowly again which is great. I love it, so why is it so hard to do sometimes? I don't know.

No weigh-in this week. Didn't want to deal with post-trip/female monthly hormonal feedback. :) I'm back to bein' good though, so I have hopes that next week will show a loss.

I'm back from my trip! I'm slowly getting caught up on my flist, and getting back into the swing of things.

It turns out Portland shares my fascination with ice cream. That is to say, eating wasn't stellar while I was gone. However, it was noticeably better than most trips I go on, and I will take that as a winning condition and try to ignore the weight gain. Hopefully that's mostly due to water retention. Mmm hmmm. ;)

I'm leaving for Portland this morning and won't be back until Wednesday evening.

However, I had to post my weight loss for this week!

Starting: 223
Last weigh-in: 217.0
Today: 215.6 (!! YAY)
Loss: 1.4
Total loss: 7.4


I'm so excited to see 215 again. :) That's generally the weight I am when I can start wearing my size 16 jeans again. I tend to lose weight around my waist first (I know, I'm very lucky, although on the other hand, I never lose weight on my arms :( )

Anyway, I took my measurements this morning to see where I was. Here we go:

	Starting	Current	Lost
Neck	14	13.5	-0.5
Bicep	13.5	13.5	0
Forearm	10.5	10.5	0
Chest	48	47	-1.0
Waist	42	40	-2.0
Hips	49	48	-1.0
Thigh	28.5	27.5	-1.0
Calf	18	17.5	-0.5
Total:	--	--	-6.0"

Anyway, time to get going. Need to finish up packing so I can head out! "See" you all on Wednesday. :)

Oh, as a quick aside. The work clothes I just recently bought? Yah, most the pants are loose now. Hehe, it feels great to wear them now!

Okay, I can't stay away from the scale. I know, I know! But! The numbers have less influence over me than they used to. Okay, well, it helps that they're going down, but even when they're on an upswing it doesn't send me into a relentless search to put everything sweet into my gaping maw.

Because I've been weighing myself frequently, I've noticed an odd trend. If I eat low-carb for dinner, I seem to lose more weight. Could this just be a coincidence? I'm nowhere near jumping into Atkin's or south beach, but I've lost significantly more weight in the last 3 days than I have in a while. The protein-laden dinners were accidental, but I think I might try sticking with it a bit and see if it really makes a difference.

And thus, superstitions were born!


In other news, I have been talking with the professors I'll be working with in my grad program. I'm helping create a new game programming concentration in the computer science major because of my work experience. I'm really started to get excited about it, too. :) We've been kicking around ideas for new classes and curriculums and of course talking current games. Very fun stuff.

I've been a bit slack about listening to my McKenna CD lately, and I think I need to relisten to it. I've decided to refer to it as "guided meditation" because it sounds friendlier, and that's what it feels like. The funny thing is, I have started thinking of myself as thin because you spend so much time visualizing yourself that way. So I wear clothes that fit better, stand up straighter, don't hate myself in the mirror as much. I guess that's why it's easier for me to see the numbers on the scale and not get so swayed by them, because I know in general, they're going down, even if it takes a bit.

Okay, I think I've rambled on QUITE enough. Hope you all are having a fantastic Friday!

I can't wait until I'm independently wealthy. Then I can carelessly spend my days working out, hiking, biking, running, swimming, meeting with my personal trainer to go over my form with lifting weights, and travel whenever/wherever I want to.

Yah, I'll get right on that. ;)


Only 3 more weeks left of my two jobs, though, and I have most of next week off. I'm heading to Portland with ye olde boyfriend for a coastal driving vacation. It should be fun :) We'll see how the eating goes. Vacations are a bit of a scary spot for me. I usually take a "vacation" from the diet as well. However, since I don't really feel like I'm dieting, I have hopes that it'll be smoother than normal. Plus, I'm hoping we'll have a chance to do a couple of hikes, as there are some beautiful waterfalls to see in Oregon.

School stuff is starting to come together, and I haven't broken down into stress eating yet. Wow, I AM making progress. :D I have a lot of friends in the area where I'll be moving, one that I learned to swing dance with (and he still does this, so I'm hoping he'll take me along again) and one that has been trying to get back into shape as well. I've proposed the Couch to 5K thing to him, and we'll see how that goes. It'd be so great to have people that are active to hang out with. Exercise has always been my biggest downfall.

I'll be gone on vacation from Sunday-Wednesday, so if you don't hear from me, that'd be why. ;)

Oh, and here's my weigh-in.

My weigh-in today:
Starting weight: 223.0
last weigh in: 217.4
This weigh in: 217.0
Loss: -0.4
Total Loss: -6.0


I'm really starting to feel a change. :) My clothes are starting to feel more comfortable and such. And I feel like I have a healthier attitude around food, which I'm most pleased about!

I've been scanning in slides from the fireworks show I worked on. (I've been on the fireworks crew for the 4th of July Los Alamitos show in So. Cal for 4 or 5 years now.)

This is my favorite fireworks shot so far.

( Golden Flowers )

I got to spend today with my family. Normally my parents house is a fiasco for healthy eating because they keep TONS of snack foods around, and such. However, I came over, I was hungry, I had half a muffin (my favorite from the group of snacks) and then I was done. Nifty!

I spent a lot of time with my older brother as well. The problem with hanging out with him is that he's completely awesome. And he's the standard to which I hold guys to. I've yet to meet someone who was as cool as my brother is. You see how rough this is! For instance, we're at Home Depot, heading to the checkout area. Ahead of us is an older couple, struggling with a pair of screen doors. My brother hands the cart to me and goes up and offers to help them carry it. I mean, who does that these days?!?! You see what I mean. My brother rocks. :)

I always fatasize that someday I'll be a runner. I've been reading diet journals for ages, and most of the ones that succeed turn into runners. Anyway, I found this link and I'm putting it here for the day when I am not scared to follow it.

Couch to 5K

Go me! I went to the gym today. :)

I did a 20 minute workout on the elliptical, while trying to keep my heartrate in the 150-160 range. Fun stuff. I forgot to pay attention to my speed, I'll have to check that next time so I can check my progress.

Now I'm SO. Tired. I thought working out was supposed to energize me, but instead I'm sitting at work trying not to fall asleep.


On the eating front, things are going AMAZINGLY well. In fact, I'm actually worried I'm undereating. I'm only eating when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm not hungry anymore. Unfortunately this leads to things like my italian dinner. I had a breadstick. I ate 1/4 of my chicken ceasar sandwich. I wasn't hungry anymore so I quit eating. For lunch one day, I was craving a poptart so I ate that first. But then I wasn't hungry for my lunch. Hrmmm. I'm still eating when I'm hungry, so I'm assuming my body would let me know if I was undereating? I was aenorexic for years, and this doesn't feel the same at all, so, I think it's okay. Maybe I should journal out my calories or something.

Also, I've cut wayyy back on caffiene. I can't even finish a soda anymore.

My desk at work has 3/4 of a candy bar on it. I eat one square every once in a while. It's been on my desk for over a week.

I don't totally obsess over food anymore. I'm not constantly worried about what's for dinner, or whether it's too early to eat my snack I brought, or whatever. I just deal with it when I get hungry, and I move on when I'm not. It feels.. HEALTHY.

Now if I could just get the hang of exercising, I'd be unstoppable.

I'm going to try to remember to bring my camera to work on Wednesday.

I got to my mid-afternoon doldrums and instead of heading to the snack bar for my ritual boredom snacking, my brain said "hey, let's go for a walk!" After a brief Q&A session wherein I ascertained that this was INDEED still my brain, and it really DID want to go for a walk, I said "okay fine."

And out the door I went.

I work on a college campus three times a week (I work 2 hours away the other two days a week) and while I've lived near this campus for a long time, I've never really explored. It turns out, just past the football field there is a rose garden and a waterfall and pond. I went to check out the pond because I love fish, and sure enough, these large fish came towards me, expecting food I'm sure. You have no idea what it's like to have 20 or so fish staring at you. They were all pointed at me, fanned out like an audience. In front of them were smaller fish, darting in and out of the green crud that grows in standing water. I bent down to look closer and noticed they were Polliwogs!!! I haven't seen those since I was a kid! We used to catch them and raise them until they grew into frogs, and then we'd let them go.

Anyway, I'm bringing my camera so I can take some pictures, because it's just too fun not to share.

Oh, and I never did get my normal chocolately snack (or two or THREE) that I generally get.

I sure hope this doesn't end, because I rather like it. :)

Weird. Just... weird.

I'm sitting here eating my lunch, and thinking "Maybe nothing has changed... Maybe I don't feel that differently about food." Meanwhile, I'm pausing between bites. And, at one point, during the pause, I pushed my lunch aside and just went back to work.

Uh. I just checked and I ate less than half of it. But I'm not hungry anymore.

Whacky.

I didn't even finish my soda.


And I didn't weigh myself today. That's my biggest achievement. I am a weigh-a-holic.. I'd even weigh before I went to bed at night and then again in the morning, to see how much I lost overnight.

Yikes.

I'm still a bit dubious, but we'll see how this all goes.

I really need to start adding workouts to my routine. Maybe I'll start the gym on Wed. That'd be grand.

My weigh-in today:
Starting weight: 223.0
last weigh in: 219.0
This weigh in: 217.4
Loss: -1.6
Total Loss: -5.6

I have no real idea where that weightloss came from, but NO complaints here. :)

The McKenna thing is strange. I read a lot of people fall asleep while listening to the CD, but I can't fall asleep while listening to someone talk (maybe that's why I do well in school), esp not with headphones on. However, I do think it's already working. I'm not snacking nearly as much... just no real desire. And when I eat, I eat a LOT slower. It's pretty enjoyable, actually. And because I'm not eating as fast, I don't tend to shovel everything in and look around for more. I enjoy what I'm eating and it's easy to stop when I'm not hungry anymore. We'll see how it keeps up.

I'm not supposed to weigh myself for 2 weeks. Not sure how well THAT'S going to go, since I love weighing myself daily.

So I bought the McKenna book, I can make you thin. It comes with a CD. Well, supposedly. I got tired of waiting, so I downloaded the mp3 and listened to it. I'm not sure if I was supposed to fall asleep, because I didn't. I do have more energy now though.... I get in these kind of moods sometimes. Not sure if it was from listening to it or just one of those nights.

We'll see how it goes.

Oops, I forgot to post my weigh-in for the week. mostly because it wasn't that great. But it WAS down!

last weigh in: 219.8
This weigh in: 219.0
Loss: -0.8

woo!

I should be more excited than I am. Unfortunately, my period struck the next day and now I'm at 220. :/

Yesterday...was not the best day. This weekend was very stressful, and it all sort of came to a head and exploded yesterday. I don't normally drink, but decided sometimes a day deserves to be ended in drinking, so I had a couple drinks. oops. I'm now used to not eating later than 8pm (6:30p if I can swing it!) and I don't drink sodas at night. So having two sodas + alcohol threw my stomach for an awful loop. Oops. I do enjoy drinking ocassionally though. :/

And on top of that, I started my monthly cycle today. Yikes.


Oh yah, I do have a success for this weekend though. We went out to eat with a bunch of people, and they wanted to go to this restaurant that serves WAY TOO MUCH FOOD and I managed to only slightly overeat. Usually I'm in PAIN when I leave that place because I've eaten too much. This time I was merely overly full. That may not seem like much, but it WAS.

Anyway, should be getting ready for work. Still no workout clothes. BAHHHH

Two things happened today that made me feel extremely fat. :(

#1. I took my "before" pictures. I'm glad I don't generally see my back. If I get really brave, I might post them. :/ I chopped off my head (but not my double chins) for privacy reasons, but with all that fat, I don't think anyone would see my face anyway.

#2. I broke my chair. *cry* A few months ago, I broke the bed. I have a bed that has slats instead of a box spring.. I've had it forever. And I sat down on it one day and CRACK the slat broke. Today, I sat down in my chair and CRACK a spring broke or something. But now it's not nearly as comfortable. I've had my chair for quite some time too, so maybe they were just old, but I can't help feeling like this wouldn't have happened if I were say.. 80 lbs lighter.


*sigh* Just two reasons to keep working at it I guess.

Oh, and my workout clothes didn't come today. :(

My workout clothes should be arriving today. :D And because I can only work 20 hours at my second job, I'm out of here at 3:30p today. Can't...wait. ;)

I made grilled cheese and ham sandwiches last night on the george foreman. Wheat bread, low-fat ham, and very little butter. They ended up being a little over 300 calories. And still tasty!

This morning I made omelettes for my b/f and myself. fresh mushrooms and bellpeppers, plus I cut up a piece of the low-fat ham. I kept the yolks in, though. I keep seeing references to egg whites. I can't bring myself to throw away half an egg. I only used 2 eggs for mine however, so I figure it was still probably pretty healthy.

The grocery store had white peaches on sale, so I picked up a couple. I had to wait a couple days before they were ripe. OMG SO GOOD.

I'm noticing that I'm still eating MORE than I should, but I'm eating HEALTHIER foods. I figure it's a multi-pronged attack, and I need to start somewhere. This week it's healthier choices. I'll work on portion size soon.

I haven't had a soda for dinner for 2 days. My insomnia? Almost totally gone. I have so much more energy in the mornings now, and I have been sleeping completely soundly. SO nice.

The pink lemonade flavor crystal light gets two thumbs up from me!

It is merely a gazillion degrees out today. That's scientifically accurate, I'll have you know.

I am working in Santa Barbara today, and the humidity plus the heat is killing me. That's the thing I like least about being overweight -- summers. I hate my upper arms, and I tend to layer for "masking" purposes and I feel clammy and nasty. :( Plus I've been carrying computers back and forth all over the place out in this heat. Guhhh. I'm meeeellttttinngggggg....

I should have brought some of that crystal light. I got some pink lemonade flavor to try at some point. I could really use that about now. The water here is.. not that good. :/

At least I've been getting exercise. After carrying those computers my arms were literally shaking they were so fatigued.

I went to the grocery store last night. I got tired of having NOTHING to cook around the house, so if I wanted to eat healthy it was [yet another] tv dinner. $100 later... *groan*

But the fridge, freezer and cupboards are full of yumminess. When I got home, I realized that what I'd been planning to cook that night would not be liked by my b/f (whom I live with). I told him about that and he said "I'm not THAT picky!" I was making fajitas and he's neither a fan of bell peppers or onions, but he said it was fine.

I'm tired and hot, but I start cooking away. When I'm done, my b/f looks at it and says "I was expecting there to be... well. more. I don't think I can eat this." *bangs head* Okay, no biggie, I'll have the rest as leftovers and he can just cook his own dinner. THEN he says, "I think I'll just order something for delivery." And then I got pissed. Bah. He was pissed that I was pissed for "no reason" and he threw some food into the microwave and we spent dinner in silence. Some great date night, huh?

After we both cooled off we just acted like nothing happened. *sigh*


Anyway, in better news, I found something to help me cut back on soda!!! I'm so excited, I have to share. It's stupid because I knew about it for so long but never put it together with how it could help ME. I'm trying to cut back to only 1 or 2 sodas a day. (1 a day or none a day would be ideal, but baby steps) I usually have one at lunch to curb my caffiene withdrawals and then one at dinner. The one at dinner is what I'm trying to cut out. I drink tons of water throughout the day, but for some reason, water with dinner just sounds totally unappealing. And then it hit me. Crystal Light!!! I love that stuff, and it satisfies my sweet craving I have during dinner. It's been super hot out here lately, too, so I made a pitcher of it and drank a lot of it last night. WOOO more liquids! Now I'm wishing I'd brought some to work. I'm practically addicted to the stuff now.

I'm trying to figure out if it'd be rude to sneak in a packet to a restaurant and add it to their water. I'm also trying to figure out if I care. ;)

I feel good about my choices. I'm eating a banana now so I won't overeat for lunch (hopefully).

Anyway, need to get back to work. Whee!

Holy cow, I'm updating again. Work has been slow today, what can I say?

I went and checked out eDiets today for the first time in a while. I've been a member..forEVER.. like seriously at least 4 years. They autodeduct the dues from my account and my fear of phones has kept me from cancelling. So I figured I should get my money's worth and check out their boards again, and maybe skiv off some of their recipes.

It was enlightening. Some of the people that I started with are at their goal weight now! How exciting is that? This one woman, I remember her from when she was 220, and now she's at 144. I wanted to hug her I was so excited for her. And then I thought, if I'd stuck with this all those years, THAT COULD BE ME.

Screw that! That WILL be me. :D

I need a good icon for this journal. And a header image.

Oh yah, and the color choice? In my graphic design classes we discussed color theory. People are more adaptable to change in the presence of green. Plus it looks like veggies. Mmmm veggies.

[Edit] I added some icons. Yay! I chose butterflies for obvious reasons, but also because the INXS lyrics kept going through my head: "We all have wings, but some of us don't know why" and I went from there.

So I've been giving this journal some thought, and I've decided I'm going to make it revolve less around what my current weight is. So no more weight as every topic and that sort of thing. I'll try the weekly thing and see if that helps.

I've also been giving some thought to my reasons for losing weight. Maybe that will help me stay focused. So here they are.

1. Clothes shopping. I think this one is probably pretty obvious. ;)
2. Self-esteem. I realize my esteem shouldn't be locked up with my weight. Maybe this is something I should work on separately? But for now it really is. When I feel fat, I don't walk as tall, or try as many things and I don't want to be seen so I'm not nearly as social.
3. Inspiration. I read these diet journals and they're so inspirational! I want that to be me someday.
4. Health. Both of my parents have weight-induced diabetes. So does my aunt. I don't want to go down that road. If for no other reason; I HATE NEEDLES.
5. Energy. I have none. It sucks. I want to feel energetic and do energetic things. I want to be able to hike and jog and bike and kayak.

Oh, and I'd love to not have to lie about my weight. :P I still remember, I went kayaking with my b/f once. They told us that the lighter person should sit in front... and I sat in front even though I weighed more than him. Bleah!!

People say learning to eat healthy is so hard because unlike drugs and smoking, you can't just "quit". I'd love it if I didn't have to eat anymore. :(

Sooo, guess where I've been? That's right, eating my way through every fatty food I can find. And guess where I haven't been? That's also right, I've been nowhere NEAR the gym!

Time to restart, again. Every day is a new start, and I'm trying not to get disheartened and just realize every day is another chance to do it better. Cheesy, perhaps, but it's the honest truth.

I ordered some new workout pants. I don't expect this to magically make me go to the gym, but it's one less excuse.

I'm working Santa Barbara twice a week, and it's a two hour commute one-way for me. 4 hours of driving kicks the snot out of my energy levels, so I'm going to try to workout MWF for now. Those are the days I work at Cal Poly, and sleep in until 8:45a instead of having to drag myself awake at 6:30a like I do for SB days.

I'd love to do both cardio and weights, if I can find the time. But for now I'm just focusing on getting my butt there 3 times a week.

I'm also working on water again. 2 bottles before lunch, 3 after. I'd like to work up to 3/3, or even 3/4 but we'll start here for now.

Keep on, keepin on.

Ohhh and now I have a slider. hahaha! Whatever works!